A while back I was out with my grandsons running errands. We were grabbing a cart when a woman came up to me and reminded me that the boys and I bumped into her at the same store before. She said to me that every time she sees me, I look so put together. My mind raced, and I thought to myself, EVERY TIME? Lady, I’ve seen you one other time. I thanked her aloud. Then I noticed she was looking at her own outfit, brushing her hands across her slightly dingy t-shirt and jeans and apologizing to me for herself.
Why did she feel the need to apologize? I didn’t say anything about what she was wearing. In fact, I hadn’t even noticed her outfit until she started fidgeting. I wasn’t comparing our outfits. She did that herself. Women do this all the time. “Excuse how I look.”
“I just threw this on.”
“I didn’t think I’d see anyone I know.”
“Don’t look at my hair.”
It happens to me too. Someone compliments my top and I feel compelled to give the back story. Oh, this old thing? I’ve had it for years or
I thrifted it for only $10. It was on sale.
I have actually had to WORK at accepting the compliment without immediately telling someone where the piece came from or what I paid for it.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with gleefully sharing that you scored something fabulous for $10. But sometimes that’s not why we’re saying it. Sometimes we’re essentially saying: Don’t be too impressed.
Now this is where I think we are damned-if-we-do, damed-if-we-don’t.
Let me explain what I mean. If we happen to unexpectedly bump into someone we know, we apologize for not looking put together. Then if someone tells us we do look put together, we start explaining why they shouldn’t make too much of that either.
Well, jeez Louise, what exactly is the acceptable response here? Somewhere along the way many women learned that receiving a compliment too comfortably might make us appear conceited. Like simply saying “thank you” somehow means Yes, I know. I DO look fabulous.
Were we taught that? Did we pick it up from watching other women? When did “thank you” start feeling like it wasn’t enough?
Think about what’s actually happening when someone gives you a compliment. She says, “You look fabulous.” You don’t have to prove that you deserve the compliment. But you don’t have to prove that you don’t deserve it.
You don’t have to argue someone out of thinking something nice about you.
She’s not asking what you paid. She’s not asking how old it is. She’s not asking for the receipt.
She just told you something nice.
Receive it.
The next time someone says, “I love your outfit,” pay attention to what happens in your head.
If you immediately start reaching for the price tag, the thrift-store story, the flaw nobody noticed or some reason she shouldn’t be quite so impressed, maybe try something different. “Thank you.”
And then stop talking.
No explanation. No apology. No receipt required.
I’d love to know, what is your go to answer when someone compliments your outfit? Are you a “thank you” woman or do you dive into the backstory of your outfit?
I think it is conditioning from our mothers and grandmothers (and siblings) to not be too full of yourself. Be humble and gracious. If I looked in the mirror as a child, my sister would tell me "you love yourself" and that signalled to me that I was vain. It stuck.